So, in another week an a half my husband will have been gone for 3 months.
I don’t know how the time has passed, mostly I’ve spent it in a total fog though I know I’ve been super productive. I’ve been productive because I needed to run my husband’s bar, continue working my full time job, and pack up a 3 bedroom house, 2 garages, a barn, sell my livestock, and move into Portland to be closer to my bar which i was commuting to every day.
Busy has helped. Everyone said that being busy would keep my mind off things. People who say crap like that have never experienced their life shattering apart in a million pieces. Yes, I’m putting the pieces together, there are unexpected triumphs as well as unexpected baseball bats to the face. If life gives you what you can handle but if that’s true life must think I’m as badass as Batman.
Some days I can handle just fine, some days I’m really freaking awesome, some days I can’t do anything but cry in my car at lunch, and sometimes I just want to break anything and everything I can. I am more often the latter than anything else. I have always been quit hot tempered but now it’s different. Now a rage boils within me unlike anything else, it’s not explosive, it’s not as though I’m mad at any one thing, but ti’s there just as physical as a boulder and no amount of yoga or breathing exercises help. It probably exacerbates things that I swallow down my feelings whenever I’m in public.
I’ve never been good at publicly expressing the deeper sides of my personality and though i don’t want to share those feelings with the world I don’t know that sucking it up is working for me. I guess time will only tell.
One thing I think definitely helped was moving. The space I now live in doesn’t have any memories of Matt and it’s a good retreat when the world gets to hard. I like my little two bedroom apartment, I like living closer to the city, I like everything about it except that I wish I had larger sidewalks to walk my dogs. Thankfully I am very close to a large nature reserve.
Things have changed, obviously, but not in the most expected ways. I learned that I am not an un-tidy person, that I regularly keep my dishes done and vacuum once a week along with my bathroom spotless. Who knew? Who knew that cleaning up after another person for 11 years made me give up completely? I have learned also that I will watch the same DVD twice in row rather than get up and put another one in. I also have not cooked a thing in 2 weeks. I am in love with my blender and if I can not make a smoothie out of it in 5 minutes chances are I’m not eating it. Also, LAUNDRY, who knew you could do all your laundry in two loads? WHO KNEW? I sure as hell didn’t.
These are not really plus sides as unexpected but obvious outcomes of living by myself. Living by myself is weird but I think being an introvert and an only child makes me much more ok with it than most people. I don’t mind my time alone, I find ways to fill my space. I’ve started drawing and painting again, eventually, when I can face it I’ll start knitting again. I put aside all the hobbies that brought me happiness when Matt died, not intentionally, but I just didn’t have the attention span for anything lasting for more than 5 minutes.
I have rekindled friendships I had always had but are much more present in my life. I walk with the dogs, hike by myself, and for the first time in a long time do everything I want to do when I want to do it. I miss Matt like crazy every moment of every day, but I think I’m starting to find myself again.