Mildred: The Situation

Continued From Here.

“Situation” she thought, “Sit-U-ation” mentally making the air quotes in the most mocking way possible. (She only thought this though for saying it would lead to hurt feelings and no one likes a sullen pixie). It wasn’t really a “situation” Mildred thought, more of an inconvenience, a nuisance.  Though, Larry was right, it did needed to be sorted out, and soon.  “Well, there goes my planned beer buzz for the night” she thought, pulling herself out of a much deserved slouch.

See, the “situation” was this, a troll had come to her for an instant stone polishing cream (1), a fairly simple potion that had been used for centuries (though, she admitted, never on a troll).  Mildred had to agree it might not have been the best idea to give this quite large troll a potion that had never been tested on anything but floors and counter tops, but she really hadn’t foreseen the results.  The results being a troll so reflective, shiny, and slick surfaced that he lacked the proper nature given traction to even stand up. So traction free was he that if he sat down on the ground he would eventually slide his way across the country as the earth rotated, and heaven forbid if there was a slight breeze!

Yes this was an unforeseen result, but she couldn’t quite be blamed for it. He’s the one that wanted the cream, and he’s the one who applied it.  Though if this would hold up in court she was unsure, so it was best to fix it before this “situation” (making the mental air quotes again) got that far out of hand.

“Well Larry, I’ve actually thought quite a lot about this today (2)” she said with her most reflective look she could muster. After all, she was already two beers in (3) and it might have been a look of mild nausea (she couldn’t be absolutely sure).

“Oh really?” He knew she was lieing (the only thing she thought about a lot with any consistency was chimney sweeps), but had to admit that she was a great problem solver on the fly. 

“Yup, see, the problem isn’t that he’s so shiny, he’s really happy with the shine factor, the problem is the traction. Or rather, lack there of.” Satisfied she had just found the answer to their “situation” she paused for Larry to catch on to her complete brilliance.

“Alright, so what do we do about the traction problem?” He hated when she did this, she had it figured out already and she was just stringing him along.  She new the answer, knew exactly what she was going to do and was waiting for him to guess the answer.  “How long do we have to know each other Mildred, to realize that I’m never going to guess the answer?” He wondered to himself.

“Well Larry, you know that stuff they use to fix shoes? The stuff in the tube you buy at the store to fix a hole in  your shoe sole?” Raising her glass to her lips for another sip of beer made her realize she was out. Frowning at it she continued “Why couldn’t we just slap some of that on him and when it dries, *poof*! he has traction”. (4) Problem solved as far as Mildred saw it, and since it was solved she decided another beer was well earned.

Larry hurled himself into the air (a motion that looked much like a clock pendulum) circled Mildred’s head as she pushed herself out of her chair and landed on her shoulder as soon as she was standing. “To the beer!” he commanded pointing the way quite dramatically with a stubby finger.

She couldn’t help it, with a smile and a nod they were off to the beer.  If she would have stayed seated for a few more seconds and refocused on the room Mildred might have realized the man in the shadows at the far end of the room watching her.  As it was (as it always is) the pixie and the promise of beer were too much of a distraction. (5)

(1)Trolls, being made of rock tend to be susceptible to lichen, fungi, and other such unpleasantness. Some trolls dig it, using the look to enhance their menacing demeanor, but it had become quite the fashion lately to polish themselves to a reflective shine. And, though they were made of rock so they didn’t feel pain and discomfort the way other tender fleshed species do, no one particularly enjoyed a roll in the giant rock tumblers that had been popping up around town.

(2)Actually, she thought a lot about the different levels of stink today and how bad something had to stink in order for it to cause certain death. One has such thoughts when working with reptile toe jam.

(3)A Guinness for those wondering.

(4)Mildred was very glad at this revelation that she had reminded the troll that this potion was for external use only.

(5)This combination was so distracting that it actually caused her to miss a good portion of the Spanish Inquisition, and being a drunk witch carrying around a pixie is not what one wants to be during one of those.


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