Today is Augest 27th, 2008. Five years to the day of when we said our vows*, taking each other as husband and wife, and forever proclaiming to the universe that our love and our life together is “until death do us part”. Anniversaries have never been a big part of our lives, we acknowledge them, maybe give cards, sometimes go out to dinner, but never make a big deal out of it. My love for you goes beyond one single day of remembrance, it flows deeply and tortuously through my veins every second of every single day. Not a day goes by where I don’t look at you and thank God** that you choose to love me, I look at you when you don’t notice and I am overwhelmed by how much I just completely adore you. I often laugh and thank your mom for how well she raised and trained you to be the man you are today.
That isn’t to say that it’s all been peaches and cream though is it? I mean we did work together, you as my manager, for 4 of these years. Remember that first apartment in Ventura, on Poinsettia Way, and how it was really just an alley. That tiny weirdly shaped apartment with one closet and ten billion sq ft of hallway space, but we couldn’t pass each other? How we only had enough room for a couch so after working together all day we had to come and sit next to each other on that same couch. And Mr, remember how stinking ridiculously broke we were? How we only made $29,000 that first year, COMBINED. How we would cross our fingers and pray that the debit card would approve our food purchases at the DOLLAR STORE. How we would end up at your amazing parents house 4 times a week for food. How you once sat there on that same couch after a particularly bad fight and asked me if this was really working. How my heart broke a little, and tears still come to my eyes when I think about that day? Remember how when I explained that when I said “I need space” didn’t mean emotionally, but I actually needed SPACE.
So we moved. A two bedroom apartment across the street from the Community College on Ballard in Ventura. I remember how we panicked and begged your parents for the money to move because the rent was $1050 and that was exactly $100 more than what we were paying for our shit hole. How we ran and I mean RAN to the rental office to get in first with our money. It was quite a race wasn’t it Mr? We almost were beat out! Remember how when we actually moved we actually stopped fighting, and have we actually really fought since then? How everything seemed to fall into place from that point on? You got a raise and so did I, we were suddenly not poor anymore. We suddenly could afford to put tags on the truck and fix the van. Ah yes, the van, we inherited it from your parents in this apartment. That car served us well and was perfect for camping. Remember how, desperate to actually make friends we invited the upstairs young boys down for a beer and were offered “H”? Remember politely declining and then having to google what “H” was? If we were not dorks before hand we definitely were now. Remember the shag calico carpet & the pull down lamp fixtures? Yeah we should have stolen that, I’ve seen them on ebay for $700. Remember how we had to duct tape our blinds shut because we weren’t supposed to have cats and the cats kept jumping into the windows? This was the apartment where we had to turn on the fan every night because the upstairs crazy nieghbors fell asleep to TV Land blasting every night, and I must have been the only person that couldn’t fall asleep to Howdy Doody. Eventually we were “asked to leave” because of the cats.
This couldn’t have been better timing though. The office had moved from Oxnard to Camarillo and the drive was killing us. We found a townhouse in Camarillo 5 minutes from work. Remember how proud we were to actually show this place to your parents? How we finally felt we were getting somewhere in life. How we actually always had money left over from the paychecks. This apartment kept us well. The neighbors were nice, it was close to work and we were all doing well. Then business started to stink, and we were worried all the time. Worried that we would all loose our jobs. You, me, & your dad. Many a tear was shed over this. Sometimes it got better, sometimes it didn’t. This is the first place where we actually ended up re-signing our lease on. Remember how grown up we felt about that? That we could stay in a place more than ten months? Eleven months into living in this place the company was bought and we made our way to Ohio. 3 cats, 1 snake, 1 van & 1 truck made it from California to Ohio in 4 days. I still maintain that Indiana is the worst hell hole on the face of the earth.
Ohio was so different wasn’t it? We had flown in a month earlier to look at, pick out, and buy our house. All in two days. We ran that Realtor ragged didn’t we? God I loved that house. I loved the floors and the yard, and the possibilities of the place. We had plans for it all. We made friends in this state, and I found out how much I had in common with my oldest cousin. How our mortgage payment was less than our rent in California and we were really living quite a good life. This is the house that I found out I had PCOS in. After trying for 9 months for a child we found out why nothing had happened. We went through some of the hardest times in our life in this house. We had our hearts broken and our lives trampled. 11 months and 20 days to the year of us owning our house we were packed up and all headed back on the road to California. The company had been sold again and we were going with. We made the drive this time in 3 days, almost dieing a few times.
Back in California we found out what family really is didn’t we? How the unshakable love your parents showed for us during this time, a time when I thought seriously that I couldn’t take anymore life, saved us. I will eternally be grateful to this family of mine.
Five years sure sped by didn’t they? It seems like just last month you were getting off the plane in Minnesota and we didn’t recognize each other at first. It was that first weekend visit that you had my heart, the first time we said our “I love you” at the terminal when I dropped you off to go back to California. We didn’t date long before we decided to get married and we weren’t engaged long before we actually did. Everything happened in under a year.
I know now that there is no one else on this earth that I could have loved but you. My heart always belonged to you, I just didn’t know it. From the moment we got married there was no more “I” only “we” and “us”. Everything we have ever done individually has been for the betterment of “us”. You are my partner, my best friend, my lover, and reason for everything. You are the blood that pumps my heart, the breath in my lungs, and the endless source of my happiness. I know it could have gone so much differently, I know that we could have been different from what we are now, but that has taken a lot of work. A lot of give and take, a lot of compromise and a lot of learning how to relax on my part. Your continual patience for my ridig stick up the ass behavior still amazes me. Being with you makes me a better person, and makes me aspire to be a better person every single day.
I couldn’t imagine my life any way but how it is right now, with you. I know that we have one of those great loves, and even though it will never be infamous and our story never told, we have loved more deeply, and more truly than any words could ever transcribe. What I feel for you will never be expressed fully in words for the words just do not exist. You are my heart and soul, my life, and reason for living it. I love you more and more each day, more than I ever thought possible. Sometimes my heart just feels so full that I wonder how I will actually live through it, how I could possiblely love you more, but then I do. I know you and I are truly blessed to have each other, and on this day, I wanted you to know a small portion of how I feel and what I think about when I see you.
Happy Anniversary Mr, you are the true and undieing love of my heart. Five years flew by, here’s for 80 more.
*Don’t listen to your sister, she almost had me convinced we were married on the 25th! I had to get our wedding certificate out to prove her wrong! Hi Ally! *Kisses!*
**IF there is a God, because I’m Unitarian Universalist, I haven’t quite made up my mind on that.